Since, over the past three or so months, I have significantly increased my bashing of the American Christian subculture in this space, and since I have a great many Christian friends whose friendship I cherish, I do feel a bit of obligation to explain my random change of heart and attitude. This is mostly because humans argue with each other over ideas, but there are real-life situations that drive our connection to that idea. The stories that motivate people fascinate me, and tell me much more than any religious or political discussion ever could. So, I think I it's time I the story I've been dreading sharing for the last three months.
But maybe I should start with the idea and work backwards: I do not identify with the local group. However you care to define it; Planet, species, race, nation, state, neighborhood, religion, political party, philosophical organization, club, alumni association, greek organization, fellowship, student government organization, activist organization; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups to which they identify with and belong.
This idea was first conveyed by psychologist Abraham Maslow and was made popular by George Carlin in his book, Brain Droppings. Recently, I've realized that the decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. Since April 11, 1999, I viewed the culture of academia and the American Christian subculture from a safe distance, knowing I don't belong. And, over the years as a member of the military, a full-time student and now a graduate student, I've realized that my most troubling encounters occur when I place an emotional investment in a group of a person/persons who place great importance with their identification with a group. In everything I do, I actively seek emotional detachment from the group. If I place an emotional investment in a person, it is because I cherish them, not because they identify with a group or higher power. And, quite frankly, anyone who does otherwise is a bigot.
This approach has a great risk, which Friedrich Nietszche conveyed quite concisely: "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." The problem with standing up to a group is that the group exists for the purpose of existing. People feel the need to belong; I know I do. It's hard to walk away from a group of people you consider friends, even when it's the right thing to do.
So, here is my story of standing up to the group, as I wrote a couple of weeks later. This took place at the end of August. Please note that I changed the names of people because, quite frankly, I do not want to give them even that much publicity. I only share because I hope people understand where my change in perspective came from. I owe you that, even if it took me three months to do it.
***
“Matt, why don’t you believe in Jesus?” Steve asked.
Sensing his trap, I rephrased his question and tried to answer it, keeping the tone of the conversation from becoming adversarial. In addition, I had a sneaking suspicion that he did not care about my answer. I had to test my theory.
“Your question is actually a two-part question in one. First, you are asking me, ‘why don’t you believe in Jesus,’ which is a question of debating the authenticity of the Scriptures. Second, you are asking me, ‘why don’t you believe in Jesus,’ which is a question of submission to the will of the Lord and, ultimately, the church. Since my answer to the first question leads logically to the answer of the second, I’m going to tell you why I do not believe in Jesus.”
As I expected, he cut me off before I could answer, though there was no way I could have possibly predicted what he was about to say.
“Matt, I am 100% certain that Jesus is real. Jesus has appeared to me in visions. He has appeared to all of us in visions, and I think it is time you met the real Jesus. That’s why I invited you tonight.”
*****
I am fascinated by cults; in particular, by how good people fall into them. More often than not, individuals do not realize they are members of a cult until they find themselves bereft of their finances or health. When Steve invited me to the prayer meeting that night, I assumed that this was a Christian meeting, since most of the people in attendance also attend an evangelical organization on campus. I have not had a good history with the church. I managed to find spiritual abuses in every church I have attended. It got to the point where people would ask me to come to their church because they suspected something wrong was happening, and they respected my nose for finding the bad apples. As a result, I possess a great mistrust of Christian authority, which they have earned in spades. However, I quickly realized that this was not a Christian meeting, as most reasonable Christians would consider Steve’s thoughts to be heretical and scripturally unsound. I went into this prayer meeting knowing full well that this was probably a cult. Moreover, I went for the worst possible reason: this will be a great comedy bit.
We went into this room, and I immediately realized this was a terrible idea because I saw every single close friend I had met since I moved to Tampa. All of them. My heart sank when I saw them, which was interesting because they were thrilled that I had finally decided to meet Jesus. I knew my life was about to change: if I actually met Jesus, then I was dropping out of college and becoming a hermit. If I didn’t meet Jesus, I was going to have to cut myself off from every person I knew within 1,000 miles. Either way, I was about to become extremely lonely.
Since you are reading this, you’ve probably figured out that I did not meet Jesus. I did have an experience though, and it was one of unadulterated anger. During this ritual, every person in the room started crawling and speaking in tongues. (No joke, one person kept repeating ‘Hannah Mo Montana, Hannah Me Montana’” That is not from God.) Eventually, Steve said, “He is here!” and everyone stopped and turned to the center to witness, well, nothing. They sat there for a solid twenty minutes, taking in everything that their imaginary friend said. I got bored and started surfing Facebook on my iPhone. (Ignoring a Cult: There's an App for That!)
After they finished, Steve asked me about my experience. I forget exactly what I said, but I said something to the effect of, “are you kidding me? Nothing happened.”
“Matt, Jesus thinks you lack faith,” Steve said. “That’s why he didn’t reveal himself to you.”
“First of all, you didn’t know I didn’t see Jesus until I just told you. Second, if I lacked faith, and he was here, wouldn’t it have been wise for him to reveal himself to me. That would take care of the faith thing pretty fucking quickly.”
I looked around the room, and noticed they were looking at me intently. It was the same look that Lord Summerisle and his followers had before they sacrificed Neil Howie in The Wicker Man. I was overcome by terror and anger. I frantically asked them questions: “what did you see?” “What did He say?” “What does He look like?”
Every time I asked, Steve interrupted, determined to prevent them from answering. I knew that if they answered my questions, they would give conflicting answers and his fraud would be revealed. Eventually, I turned to Steve and said, “I can’t stay here any longer.” And I ran. I was genuinely terrified of what they would do. I had a brief picture in my head of them tying me up and putting me in a giant Wicker Man. Thankfully, I had recently moved and they did not know my new address.
I got home, distraught from my experience, and my puppy, sensing my sadness, came up to me and licked my face a number of times. I decided to do my planned reading for the night, and the first essay was “How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found” from Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. The first sentence of the essay, and I am being dead serious, is this: I am having a crisis of confidence, and I blame Jesus.
I had not laughed that hard in a long time. I marveled at the coincidence, and dutifully read on. In this essay, Klosterman describes the Left Behind series and commentates on the notion of being “born again.” He ultimately concludes that, if one could only do good work if they were “born-again,” then it would not even be good; it would simply be a function of normal behavior. To me, the “normal” behavior was one of manipulation. How many times had I witnessed church corruption and came back, only to witness it in another form? This essay hit close to home.
***
To summarize, I will paraphrase something my friend Graham wrote in a blog post recently: I do not fear God. Instead, I fear what bad people, when left to their own devices, will do to good people who do fear God.
I hope this gives you some more perspective on what I've been going through.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Proof by Contradiction
Proof by contradiction is used to establish the truth or validity of a proposition by showing that the premise that the proposition is false implies a contradiction. Since by the law of bivalence a proposition must be either true or false, if the negation of that proposition is proven to be false, then the proposition must be true.
The logical equation is p → (R ∧ ¬R), and the reasoning goes like this: Assume proposition R is false. If the logical requirements for R to be false are not met, then R can not be false. Therefore, R must be true. Here's an example:
Statement: Monkeys are awesome
Proof: Assume that monkeys are not awesome. Then, you would be able to watch this video of a monkey performing ninjitsu and not think, "that is awesome." Since one can not watch that video without thinking "that is awesome," the proposition "monkeys are not awesome" is false. Therefore, monkeys are awesome. QED.
Other times, proof by contradiction can be used to prove a statement false. For example:
Statement: The Jay Leno Show is a success for NBC
Proof: Assume The Jay Leno Show is a failure for NBC. If true, then the show would be in last place and the local affiliates would be in open revolt. Since the show is in last place and the local affiliates are in open revolt, The Jay Leno Show is a failure for NBC. Therefore, The Jay Leno Show is NOT a success for NBC. QED
This example is interesting, because NBC would say that their goal was a 1.5 rating and that their definition of success rides on the profitability of The Jay Leno Show. Even though NBC's position is ridiculous (they are in 4th place), they can change the proof by redefining success and failure in order to make the proof work.
Too many times, I hear a religious or philosophical argument where both debaters are solely using proof by contradiction to support their claims. However, these discussions de-evolve due to the inevitablity of contradiction in their own beliefs. The fallacy of logic within the realm of philosophy and religion is that, by definition, it is incomplete due to our inability to ultimately prove the propositions true or false. God can not be proven or disproven with logic since there are so many different interpretations of "God," "is," and "real." Therefore, both the proposition ("God is real") and its negation ("God is not real") are viable, making proof by contradiction a fruitless enterprise.
So, why do people continue to use proof by contradiction in their debates? Because it is easier to say, "you can't prove there is no God" than to say "I can't prove there is a God." For many, that's what modern faith has become: the comfort in knowing that the other side can't definitively prove the proposition of faith to be false. However, there is uncertainty in this approach, because there is lingering doubt that the proposition on which they base their faith (There is a God) can not be proven either. This is not a case of doubting bad faith. However, in my experience, I've witnessed too many people recognize that it is easy to manipulate the uncertain for personal, moral and financial gain.
Faith ultimately arises when the individual is certain that their beliefs (proposition) are true while proof by contradiction can feasibly demonstrate the proposition to be false. This is logical idealism.
The logical equation is p → (R ∧ ¬R), and the reasoning goes like this: Assume proposition R is false. If the logical requirements for R to be false are not met, then R can not be false. Therefore, R must be true. Here's an example:
Statement: Monkeys are awesome
Proof: Assume that monkeys are not awesome. Then, you would be able to watch this video of a monkey performing ninjitsu and not think, "that is awesome." Since one can not watch that video without thinking "that is awesome," the proposition "monkeys are not awesome" is false. Therefore, monkeys are awesome. QED.
Other times, proof by contradiction can be used to prove a statement false. For example:
Statement: The Jay Leno Show is a success for NBC
Proof: Assume The Jay Leno Show is a failure for NBC. If true, then the show would be in last place and the local affiliates would be in open revolt. Since the show is in last place and the local affiliates are in open revolt, The Jay Leno Show is a failure for NBC. Therefore, The Jay Leno Show is NOT a success for NBC. QED
This example is interesting, because NBC would say that their goal was a 1.5 rating and that their definition of success rides on the profitability of The Jay Leno Show. Even though NBC's position is ridiculous (they are in 4th place), they can change the proof by redefining success and failure in order to make the proof work.
Too many times, I hear a religious or philosophical argument where both debaters are solely using proof by contradiction to support their claims. However, these discussions de-evolve due to the inevitablity of contradiction in their own beliefs. The fallacy of logic within the realm of philosophy and religion is that, by definition, it is incomplete due to our inability to ultimately prove the propositions true or false. God can not be proven or disproven with logic since there are so many different interpretations of "God," "is," and "real." Therefore, both the proposition ("God is real") and its negation ("God is not real") are viable, making proof by contradiction a fruitless enterprise.
So, why do people continue to use proof by contradiction in their debates? Because it is easier to say, "you can't prove there is no God" than to say "I can't prove there is a God." For many, that's what modern faith has become: the comfort in knowing that the other side can't definitively prove the proposition of faith to be false. However, there is uncertainty in this approach, because there is lingering doubt that the proposition on which they base their faith (There is a God) can not be proven either. This is not a case of doubting bad faith. However, in my experience, I've witnessed too many people recognize that it is easy to manipulate the uncertain for personal, moral and financial gain.
Faith ultimately arises when the individual is certain that their beliefs (proposition) are true while proof by contradiction can feasibly demonstrate the proposition to be false. This is logical idealism.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Between Depression and Salvation
I think that, as a species, we are intellectually inferior to geese. Granted, we have built great cities, giant skyscrapers, computer networks that allow us to communicate with anyone on the planet and cures to many of life's most vicious diseases. And the goose does not have the opposable thumbs to build homes. But the homelessness of the goose is precisely why I think they are so smart. They prove it's all worthless.
"But Matt, aren't you an engineer? And if so, why are you so down on your chosen profession? Maybe it's just you who is dumber than a goose."
Fair enough, but consider this: every changing of the season, I hear people complain about the weather: it's too hot and humid, but I moved from Minnesota where they weather is too cold! This is the survival instinct kicking in; somewhere, in the recesses of the brain, the conscious is screaming, "hey, idiot! your body was not designed to survive this weather." The goose, on the other hand, takes that complaint to it's logical conclusion: if the weather sucks so much here, and I know I have a much better chance to survive if I fly somewhere else, why stay here?
For humans, the cultural pressure to remain in one location is enormous. Whether it's contractual mortages or rent, employment and peer pressure, I've never ceased to be amazed by the stubbornness of people to stay in one place. Even as they say, "the weather depresses me, it's always cloudy and my blood is freezing," they will not move. But the fact that people are stubborn isn't what makes me think the goose is smarter than us. It's the fact that the power-hungry have figured this fact out, people know they are being manipulated and they still won't move.
For example, the state of New York raised taxes to combat the economic downfall this year, causing many rich New Yorkers to move. Eventually, the state ended up losing revenue. "You heard the mantra, 'Tax the rich, tax the rich,'" said Governor Patterson. "We've done that. We've probably lost jobs and driven people out of the state." A comment by Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch really caught my attention: "People aren't wedded to a geographic place as they once were. It's a different world."
Whether or not you think that raising taxes is logical or not is irrelevant; the fact that politicians raised taxes knowing full well that people would succumb to societies pressures - rather than go somewhere they felt would provide them the best chance of success - is extremely significant. Even though people know that their opportunities are limited and that they are being used, they will sit there and take it because of the promise of community. However, judging by the way we take care of our sick and poor, the promise of community is just that: promising. "We will raise your taxes, and you will have better roads, schools, hospitals and less crime." And even after hundreds of years of failing to deliver on that promise, most people are perfectly content to continue to wait while their freedoms and wallets continue to shrink.
Let me illustrate my point: once, I performed a comedy show in York, PA at a frat house where they kept a 4 foot long crocodile in a cage on stage. In this cage, there was a small pool with a log. One of the frat guys said, "I'm gonna feed the croc!" and took a long pole and hit the log. About 10 goldfish were hiding under the log, and they scattered like crazy. With the exception of the fish that the croc caught, the others hid under the log again.
Imagine being one of those goldfish; you'd probably realize that you were either going to starve to death or be eaten by a creature hundreds of times your size. Hiding under that log would only prolong the inevitable, but no one in their right mind would just give up and let themselves get eaten. We'd probably hope that the even-larger humans would take the crocodile out of the pool and we'd get to swim free. However, that's precisely what the owners of the crocodile were counting on. If all the goldfish gave up, the croc would eat them all at once and then eventually starve to death. Not only were the frat guys feeding the crocodile goldfish, they were using the hope and survival instinct of the goldfish to pace the crocodile's diet.
Moralists often play to these same instincts. Whether it's the fall of man in the Bible or the Iman-e-Mufassil, religions often start with this notion: the world is full of evil and suffering. In order to escape this evil, one must submit to the will ofthe high priests God. The reason why some people never fully gravitate away from religion is because you have to stare evil right in the face. (Without the log, nothing separates the goldfish from the crocodile) There are certain ugly realities you have to acknowledge when you consider the world from a non-theistic approach. For example, if a man rapes and murders a woman, and nobody ever finds out he did it, then there will be no justice. In fact, you'd have to consider the notions of "rape," "murder" and "justice" to be human constructs and nothing more. That is a profoundly disturbing thought, and many who dwell on this either fall into depression or decide they can't envision a universe without justice and go back to faith.
I can't help but think that many religious leaders count on this, just like frat guys counted on the goldfish to hide. For every church community leader I've met that were ethical (like John Ring), I've met 10 that were among the most profoundly dishonest and manipulative people I've ever met.
Here's a story to illustrate my point: A few years and a few girlfriends ago, I went to the River Valley Ranch to attend a rodeo/Christian concert. The rodeo was great because I got to see three things people only dream of: a praying rodeo clown, an actual midget riding a baby bull and said bull throwing midget off his back, and attempting to have sex with said midget as hundreds of horrified Christians looked on. The thing I will always remember is the concert. Well, not that terribly well because I can not, for the life of me, remember the name of the artist. In the middle of the concert, he stopped the show and talked about his frustration with the Christian music industry and said, "for my next song, I'm going to play the music I feel God compels me to play, not the music the industry thinks I should play." And the song was awesome. Afterwards, I went up to him and said something to the effect of, "I want to know the series of events that caused you to play that song." For the next 20 minutes, he told me everything about the "Christian music machine," like how much "market research" controls the content of the music (example: there are five musical keys - ie D - that elicit a feeling of spiritual euphoria) and how many prominent Christian musicians are athiests who flamed out. (I actually got to experience this phenomenon a few years later when I briefly dabbled in Christian comedy and discovered that most of them 1) didn't believe and 2) were massive hacks.)
In Alex Szatmary's essay, Controlling for God, he writes, "one can control for God a little bit, though, if one believes that God can be experienced personally, rather than only seen in nature." He then says, "it would be a needless loss to live your life thinking that God is there, if he isn't, if your belief was only grounded in how you feel singing worshipful songs." When I read it, I couldn't help but think about my conversation; how many people believe in God because they experienced an emotion conjured through extensive market research? For how many of these people does worship music serve as their hiding log?
The reason why I think the goose is smarter than the human is because they stare evil - predators and deadly weather - in the face, and went where their best chance of survival lies without succumbing to depression or hoping for salvation. To paraphrase Fredrick Douglass, they prayed with their wings. They fly in V Formation to maximize the strength of the flock. They always protect each other and make sure they all get enough food. I'm sure there are geese that do evil to other geese, but in general, it seems their attitude is this: We know the world is evil, so we are going to protect and help each other, and fight anyone who tries to hurt us. They treat each other better that us humans ever will, and they don't need some sky god to make them do it.
Somewhere between depression and salvation, the goose flies free.
"But Matt, aren't you an engineer? And if so, why are you so down on your chosen profession? Maybe it's just you who is dumber than a goose."
Fair enough, but consider this: every changing of the season, I hear people complain about the weather: it's too hot and humid, but I moved from Minnesota where they weather is too cold! This is the survival instinct kicking in; somewhere, in the recesses of the brain, the conscious is screaming, "hey, idiot! your body was not designed to survive this weather." The goose, on the other hand, takes that complaint to it's logical conclusion: if the weather sucks so much here, and I know I have a much better chance to survive if I fly somewhere else, why stay here?
For humans, the cultural pressure to remain in one location is enormous. Whether it's contractual mortages or rent, employment and peer pressure, I've never ceased to be amazed by the stubbornness of people to stay in one place. Even as they say, "the weather depresses me, it's always cloudy and my blood is freezing," they will not move. But the fact that people are stubborn isn't what makes me think the goose is smarter than us. It's the fact that the power-hungry have figured this fact out, people know they are being manipulated and they still won't move.
For example, the state of New York raised taxes to combat the economic downfall this year, causing many rich New Yorkers to move. Eventually, the state ended up losing revenue. "You heard the mantra, 'Tax the rich, tax the rich,'" said Governor Patterson. "We've done that. We've probably lost jobs and driven people out of the state." A comment by Lt. Gov. Richard Ravitch really caught my attention: "People aren't wedded to a geographic place as they once were. It's a different world."
Whether or not you think that raising taxes is logical or not is irrelevant; the fact that politicians raised taxes knowing full well that people would succumb to societies pressures - rather than go somewhere they felt would provide them the best chance of success - is extremely significant. Even though people know that their opportunities are limited and that they are being used, they will sit there and take it because of the promise of community. However, judging by the way we take care of our sick and poor, the promise of community is just that: promising. "We will raise your taxes, and you will have better roads, schools, hospitals and less crime." And even after hundreds of years of failing to deliver on that promise, most people are perfectly content to continue to wait while their freedoms and wallets continue to shrink.
Let me illustrate my point: once, I performed a comedy show in York, PA at a frat house where they kept a 4 foot long crocodile in a cage on stage. In this cage, there was a small pool with a log. One of the frat guys said, "I'm gonna feed the croc!" and took a long pole and hit the log. About 10 goldfish were hiding under the log, and they scattered like crazy. With the exception of the fish that the croc caught, the others hid under the log again.
Imagine being one of those goldfish; you'd probably realize that you were either going to starve to death or be eaten by a creature hundreds of times your size. Hiding under that log would only prolong the inevitable, but no one in their right mind would just give up and let themselves get eaten. We'd probably hope that the even-larger humans would take the crocodile out of the pool and we'd get to swim free. However, that's precisely what the owners of the crocodile were counting on. If all the goldfish gave up, the croc would eat them all at once and then eventually starve to death. Not only were the frat guys feeding the crocodile goldfish, they were using the hope and survival instinct of the goldfish to pace the crocodile's diet.
Moralists often play to these same instincts. Whether it's the fall of man in the Bible or the Iman-e-Mufassil, religions often start with this notion: the world is full of evil and suffering. In order to escape this evil, one must submit to the will of
I can't help but think that many religious leaders count on this, just like frat guys counted on the goldfish to hide. For every church community leader I've met that were ethical (like John Ring), I've met 10 that were among the most profoundly dishonest and manipulative people I've ever met.
Here's a story to illustrate my point: A few years and a few girlfriends ago, I went to the River Valley Ranch to attend a rodeo/Christian concert. The rodeo was great because I got to see three things people only dream of: a praying rodeo clown, an actual midget riding a baby bull and said bull throwing midget off his back, and attempting to have sex with said midget as hundreds of horrified Christians looked on. The thing I will always remember is the concert. Well, not that terribly well because I can not, for the life of me, remember the name of the artist. In the middle of the concert, he stopped the show and talked about his frustration with the Christian music industry and said, "for my next song, I'm going to play the music I feel God compels me to play, not the music the industry thinks I should play." And the song was awesome. Afterwards, I went up to him and said something to the effect of, "I want to know the series of events that caused you to play that song." For the next 20 minutes, he told me everything about the "Christian music machine," like how much "market research" controls the content of the music (example: there are five musical keys - ie D - that elicit a feeling of spiritual euphoria) and how many prominent Christian musicians are athiests who flamed out. (I actually got to experience this phenomenon a few years later when I briefly dabbled in Christian comedy and discovered that most of them 1) didn't believe and 2) were massive hacks.)
In Alex Szatmary's essay, Controlling for God, he writes, "one can control for God a little bit, though, if one believes that God can be experienced personally, rather than only seen in nature." He then says, "it would be a needless loss to live your life thinking that God is there, if he isn't, if your belief was only grounded in how you feel singing worshipful songs." When I read it, I couldn't help but think about my conversation; how many people believe in God because they experienced an emotion conjured through extensive market research? For how many of these people does worship music serve as their hiding log?
The reason why I think the goose is smarter than the human is because they stare evil - predators and deadly weather - in the face, and went where their best chance of survival lies without succumbing to depression or hoping for salvation. To paraphrase Fredrick Douglass, they prayed with their wings. They fly in V Formation to maximize the strength of the flock. They always protect each other and make sure they all get enough food. I'm sure there are geese that do evil to other geese, but in general, it seems their attitude is this: We know the world is evil, so we are going to protect and help each other, and fight anyone who tries to hurt us. They treat each other better that us humans ever will, and they don't need some sky god to make them do it.
Somewhere between depression and salvation, the goose flies free.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Cute Cartoon Genocide
For a long time, I considered the following question to be one of history's greatest "What If" scenarios: What if Germany won World War II? However, I recently read the Bible from cover to cover and realized that we live this scenario every day. And the answer is: the people of 2144 would go out of their way to glorify the goodness of Adolf Hitler, and selectively ignore the atrocities of the Nazi regime. They'd be taught that Hitler was a prophet, or even a demigod. And they'd teach their precocious children about their good buddy Adolf, and why things are so great because Uncle Adolf got rid of all those bad people who disobeyed God. And all the children would have to do is obey Adolf's commands, and they'd be rewarded with happiness.
One of my first humor writings, in 1997, mocked a commercial for a brand new cartoon called "Veggie Tales: Josh and the Big Wall." I found the commercial amusing because it was poorly contrived and made it seem like the characters were eating each other. Since I was highly influenced by Dave Barry at the time, I wrote comments like "Veggie Cannibalism would be a good name for a rock band." Of course, I hadn't watched the cartoon and knew very little about how Joshua and the Isrealites conquered Jericho other than that they walked around the town wall for seven days, blew horns and screamed at the wall before it came tumbling down. The actual consequences of this movie were lost on me.
In Josh and the Big Wall, Josh - portrayed cutely by Larry the Cucumber - gives the command to walk around the wall of Jericho for seven days. On the day, the soldiers of Jericho - adorable Peas who sound remarkably like the French Guard of the Castle Arrrrrr in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" - shoot slushies at God's people in a slap-stick style montage. (The only thing missing was Yakity Saks) God's people nearly quit after Josh's less than passionate defense of the first day. ("That could, umm, have been a lot worse. We made it all the way around... and we only need to do thi six more days, umm, and that will take care of it.") Fortunately, a child comes to the people and says, "God gave you directions, and you are ignoring them. Don;t you remember what was supposed to happen when you were supposed to go to the Promised Land and you got scared and ran away instead? Because you didn't follow God's directions, you had to stay in the desert for 40 years. I know God's directions don't always make sense to us, but things turn out better when we do things God's way instead of trying to do things our own way." The child cucumber then breaks out into song - The Lord Has Given - and all those crazy adults become empowered to keep marching for six more days. On the seventh day, the priests play "When the Saints Go Marching In," the veggies scream, and the walls fall. Josh walks through the remains and says, "God has given us this land," and the soldiers who were in the town scream and flee.
After the tale, one of the "veggies" - the one who is a child - asks another, "Did they really build a rocket in the desert and get slushies dropped on their heads." The adult veggie - a tomato - says, "uh, no. Those were some things we put in our story. Remember? We're using our imaginations. But there really was a guy named Joshua, and the Isrealites really did walk around Jericho and the walls really did fall down." Then, the tomato turns to the viewer and says, "If you want to learn more about Joshua, you can read about him in the Bible... in the Book of Joshua." Then the child veggie tells the viewer, "What the Isrealites learned is that, because God loves them and is always looking out for them, that His way was the Best way. And because Joshua obeyed God's word, Joshua went on to become a great leader, just like Moses!" Then, they turn the computer - named Qwerty - who quotes Bible verses like an annoying pop-up ad. This time, Qwerty tells the veggies about 2 Samuel 22:31, which says, "As for God, His way is perfect." The child veggie says, "Well, gee! If God's way is perfect, then it makes sense to obey Him. Remember, God made you special, and He loves you VERY MUCH."
I found it interesting that Qwerty didn't mention the actual verses that the climax of the story is based on, Joshua 6:20-21: "When the people heard the sound of the horns, they shouted as loud as they could. Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the city from every side and captured it. They completely destroyed every living thing in it – men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys." Nor did Qwerty mention Joshua 6:24: "Then they burned the whole city and everything in it, but they put the silver and gold and the articles of bronze and iron into the treasury of the LORD's house." I guess the complete annihialation of the residents of a city, and giving all their valuables to the high priests kind of gets in the way of telling a good children's story. I also suppose it's hard to write cute songs about the slaughter of millions of innocent children. I was actually impressed with Qwerty's ability to differentiate between verses that tell you to be obedient and those which tell you to kill everyone who disagrees with you despite Qwerty's rather poor GUI capabilities. The Selective Bible Algorithm must be outstanding.
If I were to make a similar cartoon about the genocide in Darfur, the removal of the American Indian tribes from their lands, racial cleansing under Slobodan Milosevic, the Great Calamity or the atrocities of Mao Ze-Dong, Stalin, Vlad the Impaler, Pol Pot or Saddam Hussein, I'd become a pariah, publically ridiculed by all religions, political parties and the media at large. And rightfully so. But "Josh and the Big Wall" does precisely that, and encourages kids to giddily sing, laugh and clap along with Josh and he slaughters the people of Jericho and takes all their valuables.
The Bible, as I discovered, is filled with all kinds of stories of mass murder, genocide, systematic rape, enslavement and pillaging that the good people at Veggie Tales can make into children's cartoon. I'm not talking occassionally either. Millions of women lose the dignity in the name of God in the Bible; if they are fortunate enough to be virgins, they are sold into sex slavery or unwillingly bethrothed to Isrealites. If they are married, they are murdered. And if they are extremely unfortunate to be pregnant... well, I think what was done to pregnant women in the Bible is the single-most vile thing I've ever read. And I've read the children's book by Madonna.
Another Veggie Tales covers all these bases in "Gideon: Tuba Warrior," a tuba-playing cucumber who ordered the slaughter of the Midianites and - surprise! - got a lot of gold as a reward. To be specific, in Judges 8:26, "the weight of the golden earrings that he requested was a thousand and seven hundred shekels of gold; beside ornaments, and collars, and purple raiment that was on the kings of Midian, and beside the chains that were about their camels' necks." The gold came from the earrings of the men in Midian, who were killed and robbed by Gideon's men. A "shekel" is approximately 17 grams, which means that 1700 sheckles of gold is 63.7 pounds of gold. The cost of an ounce of gold, as of this writing, is $994.25, which means that Gideon made a tidy profit of just over $1 million just from the earrings of the men he ordered slaughtered.
(Another thing they left out of "Gideon: Tuba Warrior" is that Gideon had threescore and ten sons. Wow! 70 sons... and he was a tuba player. I guess band geeks got much luckier than they do now. Although having $1 million in gold doesn't hurt either. Of course, no mention of daughters at all.)
If the Nazi's won World War II, there would be indoctrination of children through stories, cartoons and songs. They'd make a cartoon called, "Adolf and the Big Blitz," where Adolf - portrayed as a white cate and his army of loyal cats known as the Aryans - would challenge the French - played by evil dogs - and the Jews - who would be sneaky mice. They'd tell the kids that the Jews were responsible for famine and that they disobeyed God. Thankfully, the kids would learn, Adolf the cat would join the other cats in a blitz on the rest of Europe. He would cough up wisdom, songs and hairballs throughout the Ardennes and they would prevail in the end. The moral, of course, would be to listen to God, your parents and all authority figures. There may even be a version of Qwerty, who correctly quotes Mein Kampf (which would be The Book of Adolf in 2144 Nazi germany) as saying, "I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator," while leaving out the next part that says, "by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord." And the kids would laugh as the Aryan cats outwit the stupid dogs and capture the silly mice, and obey their Nazi leaders.
The biggest tragedy would be that the Jews, French, Polish and English would become lost to history. All that the people of 2144 would have is the accounts of the Nazis, and a few lost works that might contradict them. It makes you wonder what the Midianites were really like. I wonder if the people at Jericho were just minding their own business and got slaughtered by a nomadic people who were tricked by their priests into thinking that they were evil. How bad were the people in Sodom and Gomorrah really?
The people at Big Idea, the people behind Veggie Tales, didn't seem to care so much. That company's story is a tragic one, only because they were so focused on "ministry" and "profit." They eventually went bankrupt after HIT Entertainment, the company that is famous for Barney and Bob the Builder, won a lawsuit for the rights to Veggie Tales. Essentially, HIT Entertainment took all their money with regard for the livelihood of the folks at Big Idea... kind of like Gideon's stealing of the earrings and Joshua's slaughter of the people at Jericho.
I'd find the irony amusing if they hadn't made their money off the belittling of mass genocide.
But if one thing is constant, it's that people will always look the other way when reality doesn't match their belief system. And they will shield those realities from their children in anyway possible. That's how the parents of Nazi Germany in 2144 would have addressed the Holocaust, and that's how Christian parents address the plethora of genocides committed in the name of God in the Bible. With talking vegetables.
It's cute cartoon genocide. Adolf the Hip-Cat would be proud.
One of my first humor writings, in 1997, mocked a commercial for a brand new cartoon called "Veggie Tales: Josh and the Big Wall." I found the commercial amusing because it was poorly contrived and made it seem like the characters were eating each other. Since I was highly influenced by Dave Barry at the time, I wrote comments like "Veggie Cannibalism would be a good name for a rock band." Of course, I hadn't watched the cartoon and knew very little about how Joshua and the Isrealites conquered Jericho other than that they walked around the town wall for seven days, blew horns and screamed at the wall before it came tumbling down. The actual consequences of this movie were lost on me.
In Josh and the Big Wall, Josh - portrayed cutely by Larry the Cucumber - gives the command to walk around the wall of Jericho for seven days. On the day, the soldiers of Jericho - adorable Peas who sound remarkably like the French Guard of the Castle Arrrrrr in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" - shoot slushies at God's people in a slap-stick style montage. (The only thing missing was Yakity Saks) God's people nearly quit after Josh's less than passionate defense of the first day. ("That could, umm, have been a lot worse. We made it all the way around... and we only need to do thi six more days, umm, and that will take care of it.") Fortunately, a child comes to the people and says, "God gave you directions, and you are ignoring them. Don;t you remember what was supposed to happen when you were supposed to go to the Promised Land and you got scared and ran away instead? Because you didn't follow God's directions, you had to stay in the desert for 40 years. I know God's directions don't always make sense to us, but things turn out better when we do things God's way instead of trying to do things our own way." The child cucumber then breaks out into song - The Lord Has Given - and all those crazy adults become empowered to keep marching for six more days. On the seventh day, the priests play "When the Saints Go Marching In," the veggies scream, and the walls fall. Josh walks through the remains and says, "God has given us this land," and the soldiers who were in the town scream and flee.
After the tale, one of the "veggies" - the one who is a child - asks another, "Did they really build a rocket in the desert and get slushies dropped on their heads." The adult veggie - a tomato - says, "uh, no. Those were some things we put in our story. Remember? We're using our imaginations. But there really was a guy named Joshua, and the Isrealites really did walk around Jericho and the walls really did fall down." Then, the tomato turns to the viewer and says, "If you want to learn more about Joshua, you can read about him in the Bible... in the Book of Joshua." Then the child veggie tells the viewer, "What the Isrealites learned is that, because God loves them and is always looking out for them, that His way was the Best way. And because Joshua obeyed God's word, Joshua went on to become a great leader, just like Moses!" Then, they turn the computer - named Qwerty - who quotes Bible verses like an annoying pop-up ad. This time, Qwerty tells the veggies about 2 Samuel 22:31, which says, "As for God, His way is perfect." The child veggie says, "Well, gee! If God's way is perfect, then it makes sense to obey Him. Remember, God made you special, and He loves you VERY MUCH."
I found it interesting that Qwerty didn't mention the actual verses that the climax of the story is based on, Joshua 6:20-21: "When the people heard the sound of the horns, they shouted as loud as they could. Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the city from every side and captured it. They completely destroyed every living thing in it – men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys." Nor did Qwerty mention Joshua 6:24: "Then they burned the whole city and everything in it, but they put the silver and gold and the articles of bronze and iron into the treasury of the LORD's house." I guess the complete annihialation of the residents of a city, and giving all their valuables to the high priests kind of gets in the way of telling a good children's story. I also suppose it's hard to write cute songs about the slaughter of millions of innocent children. I was actually impressed with Qwerty's ability to differentiate between verses that tell you to be obedient and those which tell you to kill everyone who disagrees with you despite Qwerty's rather poor GUI capabilities. The Selective Bible Algorithm must be outstanding.
If I were to make a similar cartoon about the genocide in Darfur, the removal of the American Indian tribes from their lands, racial cleansing under Slobodan Milosevic, the Great Calamity or the atrocities of Mao Ze-Dong, Stalin, Vlad the Impaler, Pol Pot or Saddam Hussein, I'd become a pariah, publically ridiculed by all religions, political parties and the media at large. And rightfully so. But "Josh and the Big Wall" does precisely that, and encourages kids to giddily sing, laugh and clap along with Josh and he slaughters the people of Jericho and takes all their valuables.
The Bible, as I discovered, is filled with all kinds of stories of mass murder, genocide, systematic rape, enslavement and pillaging that the good people at Veggie Tales can make into children's cartoon. I'm not talking occassionally either. Millions of women lose the dignity in the name of God in the Bible; if they are fortunate enough to be virgins, they are sold into sex slavery or unwillingly bethrothed to Isrealites. If they are married, they are murdered. And if they are extremely unfortunate to be pregnant... well, I think what was done to pregnant women in the Bible is the single-most vile thing I've ever read. And I've read the children's book by Madonna.
Another Veggie Tales covers all these bases in "Gideon: Tuba Warrior," a tuba-playing cucumber who ordered the slaughter of the Midianites and - surprise! - got a lot of gold as a reward. To be specific, in Judges 8:26, "the weight of the golden earrings that he requested was a thousand and seven hundred shekels of gold; beside ornaments, and collars, and purple raiment that was on the kings of Midian, and beside the chains that were about their camels' necks." The gold came from the earrings of the men in Midian, who were killed and robbed by Gideon's men. A "shekel" is approximately 17 grams, which means that 1700 sheckles of gold is 63.7 pounds of gold. The cost of an ounce of gold, as of this writing, is $994.25, which means that Gideon made a tidy profit of just over $1 million just from the earrings of the men he ordered slaughtered.
(Another thing they left out of "Gideon: Tuba Warrior" is that Gideon had threescore and ten sons. Wow! 70 sons... and he was a tuba player. I guess band geeks got much luckier than they do now. Although having $1 million in gold doesn't hurt either. Of course, no mention of daughters at all.)
If the Nazi's won World War II, there would be indoctrination of children through stories, cartoons and songs. They'd make a cartoon called, "Adolf and the Big Blitz," where Adolf - portrayed as a white cate and his army of loyal cats known as the Aryans - would challenge the French - played by evil dogs - and the Jews - who would be sneaky mice. They'd tell the kids that the Jews were responsible for famine and that they disobeyed God. Thankfully, the kids would learn, Adolf the cat would join the other cats in a blitz on the rest of Europe. He would cough up wisdom, songs and hairballs throughout the Ardennes and they would prevail in the end. The moral, of course, would be to listen to God, your parents and all authority figures. There may even be a version of Qwerty, who correctly quotes Mein Kampf (which would be The Book of Adolf in 2144 Nazi germany) as saying, "I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator," while leaving out the next part that says, "by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord." And the kids would laugh as the Aryan cats outwit the stupid dogs and capture the silly mice, and obey their Nazi leaders.
The biggest tragedy would be that the Jews, French, Polish and English would become lost to history. All that the people of 2144 would have is the accounts of the Nazis, and a few lost works that might contradict them. It makes you wonder what the Midianites were really like. I wonder if the people at Jericho were just minding their own business and got slaughtered by a nomadic people who were tricked by their priests into thinking that they were evil. How bad were the people in Sodom and Gomorrah really?
The people at Big Idea, the people behind Veggie Tales, didn't seem to care so much. That company's story is a tragic one, only because they were so focused on "ministry" and "profit." They eventually went bankrupt after HIT Entertainment, the company that is famous for Barney and Bob the Builder, won a lawsuit for the rights to Veggie Tales. Essentially, HIT Entertainment took all their money with regard for the livelihood of the folks at Big Idea... kind of like Gideon's stealing of the earrings and Joshua's slaughter of the people at Jericho.
I'd find the irony amusing if they hadn't made their money off the belittling of mass genocide.
But if one thing is constant, it's that people will always look the other way when reality doesn't match their belief system. And they will shield those realities from their children in anyway possible. That's how the parents of Nazi Germany in 2144 would have addressed the Holocaust, and that's how Christian parents address the plethora of genocides committed in the name of God in the Bible. With talking vegetables.
It's cute cartoon genocide. Adolf the Hip-Cat would be proud.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The Morning Monologue: 8-24-09
Hey everyone,
I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I've gotten on a bus in my lifetime, which means that I have passed the Britian Educational Quality Assurance's 'Using Public Transport (Unit 1)' Exam! This exam, quote, "honours those able to walk to the local bus stop, stand or sit at a bus stop, wait for the arrival of a public bus and sit on the bus and observe through the windows." It's even better because "honours" has a 'u' in it, so you can feel superior to commoners and Scotsmen. "Those dirty Scotsmen and their kilts will never receive such an honour!" people commonly say in England. "Their kilts keep them off of buses and out of employment!"
The good people at the QA take this test way too seriously. Bury's Youth Support Services Manager, Barbara Lewis said, "This certificate isn't just about getting on the bus, it's about time management, working out bus routes and for some people, travelling alone for the first time." And they mean business; about 1/3rd of the students failed this test! As it turns out, calling for your mom makes you a failure in the eyes of the Britian Educational Quality Assurance Program.
Precocious Kid: Mommy, the bus driver smells like cheese!
QA Grader: YOU FAILED AT BUS SCHOOL!
Another reason I'm in a good mood: A lost Chihuahua with pink earrings was finally found after a man with a Britney Spears tattoo on his neck allegedly stole it from a South Florida gay bar patron during his birthday party. As I've always said, never trust a man with a Britney Spears' name tattooed on his neck. They are Chihuahua thieves! Every time I see a man with a Britney Spears neck tattoo and a chihuahua, I call the cops. That chihuahua does not belong to him. And these Britney Spears-inked chihuahua thieves have no heart. They will steal your chihuahua on your birthday. To be fair, the man handed his chihuahua, named Hudson Hayward Hemingway, to the man he had never met - a man with a Britney Spears tattoo on his neck - and expected nothing bad to happen.
(This reminds me. There is an NBA player named Kenyon Martin who got a tattoo of lips on his neck to prove he was faithful to his girlfriend. Then he cheated on her. Never trust a man with a neck tattoo, whether they be lips or of Britney Spears. Hey, it's a good policy.)
And this man wasn't even invited. He just showed up at the party and stole the Chihuahua! It's like Wedding Crashers meets Beverly Hills Chihuahua meets Taken. "I don't know who you are, other than your Britney Spears tattoo. But if you let Hudson Hayward Hemingway go, I will do nothing. But if you do not, I will track you down. I will find you, and I will kill you."
The final thing is that the bedazzled chihuahua thief got away by bus. Which means that he passed the Britian Educational Quality Assurance's 'Using Public Transport (Unit 1)' Exam. But he got caught by the police, which makes you wonder: how do you explain to the drugs dealers, murders and gang bangers that you are in jail because you stole a chihuahua with earrings named Hudson Hayward Hemingway from a gay bar on a man's birthday? More importantly, would any inmate in their right mind mess with a chihuahua thief? I say everyone in the joint is secretly afraid of him.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I've gotten on a bus in my lifetime, which means that I have passed the Britian Educational Quality Assurance's 'Using Public Transport (Unit 1)' Exam! This exam, quote, "honours those able to walk to the local bus stop, stand or sit at a bus stop, wait for the arrival of a public bus and sit on the bus and observe through the windows." It's even better because "honours" has a 'u' in it, so you can feel superior to commoners and Scotsmen. "Those dirty Scotsmen and their kilts will never receive such an honour!" people commonly say in England. "Their kilts keep them off of buses and out of employment!"
The good people at the QA take this test way too seriously. Bury's Youth Support Services Manager, Barbara Lewis said, "This certificate isn't just about getting on the bus, it's about time management, working out bus routes and for some people, travelling alone for the first time." And they mean business; about 1/3rd of the students failed this test! As it turns out, calling for your mom makes you a failure in the eyes of the Britian Educational Quality Assurance Program.
Precocious Kid: Mommy, the bus driver smells like cheese!
QA Grader: YOU FAILED AT BUS SCHOOL!
Another reason I'm in a good mood: A lost Chihuahua with pink earrings was finally found after a man with a Britney Spears tattoo on his neck allegedly stole it from a South Florida gay bar patron during his birthday party. As I've always said, never trust a man with a Britney Spears' name tattooed on his neck. They are Chihuahua thieves! Every time I see a man with a Britney Spears neck tattoo and a chihuahua, I call the cops. That chihuahua does not belong to him. And these Britney Spears-inked chihuahua thieves have no heart. They will steal your chihuahua on your birthday. To be fair, the man handed his chihuahua, named Hudson Hayward Hemingway, to the man he had never met - a man with a Britney Spears tattoo on his neck - and expected nothing bad to happen.
(This reminds me. There is an NBA player named Kenyon Martin who got a tattoo of lips on his neck to prove he was faithful to his girlfriend. Then he cheated on her. Never trust a man with a neck tattoo, whether they be lips or of Britney Spears. Hey, it's a good policy.)
And this man wasn't even invited. He just showed up at the party and stole the Chihuahua! It's like Wedding Crashers meets Beverly Hills Chihuahua meets Taken. "I don't know who you are, other than your Britney Spears tattoo. But if you let Hudson Hayward Hemingway go, I will do nothing. But if you do not, I will track you down. I will find you, and I will kill you."
The final thing is that the bedazzled chihuahua thief got away by bus. Which means that he passed the Britian Educational Quality Assurance's 'Using Public Transport (Unit 1)' Exam. But he got caught by the police, which makes you wonder: how do you explain to the drugs dealers, murders and gang bangers that you are in jail because you stole a chihuahua with earrings named Hudson Hayward Hemingway from a gay bar on a man's birthday? More importantly, would any inmate in their right mind mess with a chihuahua thief? I say everyone in the joint is secretly afraid of him.
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Morning Monologue: 8-12-09
Hey everyone,
I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I ate the winner of the 2008 National Championship of Pie! That's right, the Key West Key Lime Company won 1st Place at the American Pie Council National Pie Championships for their Key Lime pie. And let me tell you, it was magnificent. It was such a good pie, I named it "National Champ." Usually, when you give something a name, you are far less inclined to eat it. But this pie is so good that I gave it a moniker, and ate it anyway! Here's the business card:
It was a thank you from my good friend Tara, and I have to say this pie is so good that accepting this gift from her probably made us legally married in 13 countries. This pie was way better than 40 goats and 20 cows, and that's the asking price in Kenya!
Q: But Matt, if you accept the cows and goats, couldn't you barter them for much more pie?
A: I live in an apartment, which is much better suited for storing pie than goats.
Q: But didn't Al Gore claim to have 5,000 chickens at his Washington residence, which was the Watergate Hotel?
A: But that didn't actually happen. Plus, cows are much bigger than chickens.
I took the pie to my friends Kaitlyn and Mary, who agreed that this was a beautiful pie. We spoke reverent tones: "Be careful with the National Champion, we don't want it to melt. It needs to defend its title!" Instead of business cards, they should send little championship belts like in boxing.
The first question that came to my mind when I read the business card was, "there is an American Pie Council?" How, in my many years in school, did every single one of my educators fail to inform me of this? It was my manifest destiny to join the American Pie Council, and they kept pushing me to engineering. What constitutes membership in the American Pie Council? Are they like the United Nations? Do they vote every year to see if they'll allow mince meat pie to join? How do they determine the National Champion of pie? How do I get on the committee? And why isn't this televised? How does Kim Kardashian have a show, yet there is no "National Championship of Pie" show? And shouldn't everyone at the Food Network be fired for this oversight? Listen, John Madden is available to commentate on the National Pie Championships! Wouldn't you watch John Madden commentate on the National Pie Super Bowl? Of course you would! Let's get this idea moving.
So I look up the American Pie Council, which proudly bills itself as "the only non-profit international association for pie." That means this is for charity, so by eating a National Championship winning pie, you are helping the children. The APC is "designed to raise awareness, enjoyment and consumption of pies." I didn't know that people were unaware of the existence of pie.
Jim: Bob, do you want some pie?
Bob: I'm sorry, what is this "pie" of which you speak.
Jim: Here, try this!
Bob: Wow! This is great! How did you hear of pie?
Jim: The American Pie Council, "the only non-profit international association for pie.:
Bob: Thank God for the American Pie Council. Thanks to them, I am aware of pie!
The site has an actual "History of Pie," (also not taught in school! How Bill Clinton was in office for 8 years and never implemented a "History of Pie" class blows my mind.) The site says, "The Romans must have spread the word about pies during the early 3rd century," which means that, while the apostles were spreading the gospel of Jesus, other Romans were spreading the gospel of pie. No wonder they call it "the glory days of Rome."
I do have a couple of problems with the American Pie Council. They designated National Pie Day as January 23rd. I'm sorry, but I think most Americans have agreed that Pie Day is March 14th (3.14). Also, we need to come up with a better ad campaign than this slightly disturbing ad for National Pie Day.
Finally, the 2010 National Pie Championships are approaching! The Super Bowl of Pie will be April 23-24 at the Omni Championsgate in Orlando, FL! I knew it was my destiny to move down to Florida! Road Trip! I am going to become the Mr. Miyagi of pie! Because this pie is the best... around, and nothing's ever gonna keep you down!
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I ate the winner of the 2008 National Championship of Pie! That's right, the Key West Key Lime Company won 1st Place at the American Pie Council National Pie Championships for their Key Lime pie. And let me tell you, it was magnificent. It was such a good pie, I named it "National Champ." Usually, when you give something a name, you are far less inclined to eat it. But this pie is so good that I gave it a moniker, and ate it anyway! Here's the business card:
It was a thank you from my good friend Tara, and I have to say this pie is so good that accepting this gift from her probably made us legally married in 13 countries. This pie was way better than 40 goats and 20 cows, and that's the asking price in Kenya!
Q: But Matt, if you accept the cows and goats, couldn't you barter them for much more pie?
A: I live in an apartment, which is much better suited for storing pie than goats.
Q: But didn't Al Gore claim to have 5,000 chickens at his Washington residence, which was the Watergate Hotel?
A: But that didn't actually happen. Plus, cows are much bigger than chickens.
I took the pie to my friends Kaitlyn and Mary, who agreed that this was a beautiful pie. We spoke reverent tones: "Be careful with the National Champion, we don't want it to melt. It needs to defend its title!" Instead of business cards, they should send little championship belts like in boxing.
The first question that came to my mind when I read the business card was, "there is an American Pie Council?" How, in my many years in school, did every single one of my educators fail to inform me of this? It was my manifest destiny to join the American Pie Council, and they kept pushing me to engineering. What constitutes membership in the American Pie Council? Are they like the United Nations? Do they vote every year to see if they'll allow mince meat pie to join? How do they determine the National Champion of pie? How do I get on the committee? And why isn't this televised? How does Kim Kardashian have a show, yet there is no "National Championship of Pie" show? And shouldn't everyone at the Food Network be fired for this oversight? Listen, John Madden is available to commentate on the National Pie Championships! Wouldn't you watch John Madden commentate on the National Pie Super Bowl? Of course you would! Let's get this idea moving.
So I look up the American Pie Council, which proudly bills itself as "the only non-profit international association for pie." That means this is for charity, so by eating a National Championship winning pie, you are helping the children. The APC is "designed to raise awareness, enjoyment and consumption of pies." I didn't know that people were unaware of the existence of pie.
Jim: Bob, do you want some pie?
Bob: I'm sorry, what is this "pie" of which you speak.
Jim: Here, try this!
Bob: Wow! This is great! How did you hear of pie?
Jim: The American Pie Council, "the only non-profit international association for pie.:
Bob: Thank God for the American Pie Council. Thanks to them, I am aware of pie!
The site has an actual "History of Pie," (also not taught in school! How Bill Clinton was in office for 8 years and never implemented a "History of Pie" class blows my mind.) The site says, "The Romans must have spread the word about pies during the early 3rd century," which means that, while the apostles were spreading the gospel of Jesus, other Romans were spreading the gospel of pie. No wonder they call it "the glory days of Rome."
I do have a couple of problems with the American Pie Council. They designated National Pie Day as January 23rd. I'm sorry, but I think most Americans have agreed that Pie Day is March 14th (3.14). Also, we need to come up with a better ad campaign than this slightly disturbing ad for National Pie Day.
Finally, the 2010 National Pie Championships are approaching! The Super Bowl of Pie will be April 23-24 at the Omni Championsgate in Orlando, FL! I knew it was my destiny to move down to Florida! Road Trip! I am going to become the Mr. Miyagi of pie! Because this pie is the best... around, and nothing's ever gonna keep you down!
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Morning Monologue: 8-11-09
Hey everyone,
I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I just discovered that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a Twitter page! Of course, I was excited about all the great tweets the Governator would bestow upon the world:
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Breakfast was delicious. I ate a whole bear!
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Working out keeps me in shape. http://bit.ly/A0O0S
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Arghghghg!
His actual Twitter page was slightly disappointing, since it uses actual sentences:
Schwarzenegger: Calling a Special Session of the Legislature to consider Tax Commission recs for modernizing CA tax system when they're released.
Boring! Listen, Arnold, you didn't get to where you are at by modernizing the tax system. You got to where you are at by killing communists, alien predators, half the cops sworn to protect John Connor, a guy in a bear suit, Tom Arnold, kindergardeners, the Batman series, male pregnancy and the California state budget.
The thing is, it's quite possible that Arnold has actually never seen this page. Something tells me he would have tweeted about the time he gave California State Senator Darrell Steinberg a metal sculpture of bull testicles because he, quote, "would need them to make some tough budget choices." He would have tweeted:
Schwarzenegger: Grly man got the bulls balls! Next, I send a pair to Obama. Obaminator! BILLY!
Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the only Governor who has a Twitter page. Soon-to-be-former Governor Sarah Palin has her own page, which has an amazing background image:
It appears as though she is lording over her domain, and that she is 200 feet tall! No wonder she can see Russia. She's so tall that the polar bear pin on her jacket is an actual polar bear. Of course, we all know the next scene of this movie:
WATCH OUT SARAH PALIN! GODZILLA IS ROAMING THE PLAINS OF ALASKA!
(Of course, the battle would be narrated by Perry Mason)
Of course, all kinds of celebrities have Twitter pages. Even Kim Kardashian's butt has a large following. But none have the cultural relevance of Larry King's Twitter page. Larry King and Twitter were meant to be. Larry King's USA Today column remains the most mocked column in the history of newspapers (may they rest in peace). He used the "dot-dot-dot" format, which is a compilation of thoughts, each followed by "..." In fact, my Random Thoughts notes started out as a parody of Larry King's USA Today column. Needless to say, he thrives on Twitter:
kingsthings: Of all the muffins, corn is my favorite.
kingsthings: I love black licorice, but you can have red licorice.
kingsthings: Bob Barker wrote something for my blog! It's not about Plinko or the showcase showdown, but animals. check it out! http://tinyurl.com/lbn34f
First of all, who is Plinko? Second, I was scared to check out the link, because Bob Barker ended every "The Price is Right" by saying, "remember to spay and neuter your pets." But I did, and the title of the article is "Cherokee’s Unbearable Bear Pits." He starts by saying "I never imagined I’d be writing a blog post for CNN at the age of 85." Of course, because when you were 75 years old, there were no such thing as blogs.
Yesterday, the wife of Twitter CEO Evan Williams made headlines for tweeting while in labor. Her first tweet was "Dear Twitter, My water broke. It wasn't like Charlotte in Sex and the City. Now, timing contractions on an iPhone app." As it turns out, the iPhone contractions app is only accurate for the first few hours of labor, which is fine, because by then, the expectant mother is in so much pain that she only sees her iPhone as an iWeapon to iMurder her iHusband who made her iPregnant, and they better get this iBaby out of my iWomb before I go iPostal!
Her last tweet was, fittingly, "Epidural, yes please."
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
P.S. Happy birthday to my brother Jim
P.P.S Here is a running list of "Morning Monologues"
The Morning Monologue: 8-11-09 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is on Twitter! Sarah Palin fights Godzilla. Larry King likes licorice
The Morning Monologue: 8-10-09 - Chelsea gets an unusual proposal from a man in Kenya
I'm in a good mood today, and I'll tell you why: I just discovered that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a Twitter page! Of course, I was excited about all the great tweets the Governator would bestow upon the world:
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Breakfast was delicious. I ate a whole bear!
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Working out keeps me in shape. http://bit.ly/A0O0S
GovT2JinglesAllTheWay: Arghghghg!
His actual Twitter page was slightly disappointing, since it uses actual sentences:
Schwarzenegger: Calling a Special Session of the Legislature to consider Tax Commission recs for modernizing CA tax system when they're released.
Boring! Listen, Arnold, you didn't get to where you are at by modernizing the tax system. You got to where you are at by killing communists, alien predators, half the cops sworn to protect John Connor, a guy in a bear suit, Tom Arnold, kindergardeners, the Batman series, male pregnancy and the California state budget.
The thing is, it's quite possible that Arnold has actually never seen this page. Something tells me he would have tweeted about the time he gave California State Senator Darrell Steinberg a metal sculpture of bull testicles because he, quote, "would need them to make some tough budget choices." He would have tweeted:
Schwarzenegger: Grly man got the bulls balls! Next, I send a pair to Obama. Obaminator! BILLY!
Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the only Governor who has a Twitter page. Soon-to-be-former Governor Sarah Palin has her own page, which has an amazing background image:
It appears as though she is lording over her domain, and that she is 200 feet tall! No wonder she can see Russia. She's so tall that the polar bear pin on her jacket is an actual polar bear. Of course, we all know the next scene of this movie:
WATCH OUT SARAH PALIN! GODZILLA IS ROAMING THE PLAINS OF ALASKA!
(Of course, the battle would be narrated by Perry Mason)
Of course, all kinds of celebrities have Twitter pages. Even Kim Kardashian
kingsthings: Of all the muffins, corn is my favorite.
kingsthings: I love black licorice, but you can have red licorice.
kingsthings: Bob Barker wrote something for my blog! It's not about Plinko or the showcase showdown, but animals. check it out! http://tinyurl.com/lbn34f
First of all, who is Plinko? Second, I was scared to check out the link, because Bob Barker ended every "The Price is Right" by saying, "remember to spay and neuter your pets." But I did, and the title of the article is "Cherokee’s Unbearable Bear Pits." He starts by saying "I never imagined I’d be writing a blog post for CNN at the age of 85." Of course, because when you were 75 years old, there were no such thing as blogs.
Yesterday, the wife of Twitter CEO Evan Williams made headlines for tweeting while in labor. Her first tweet was "Dear Twitter, My water broke. It wasn't like Charlotte in Sex and the City. Now, timing contractions on an iPhone app." As it turns out, the iPhone contractions app is only accurate for the first few hours of labor, which is fine, because by then, the expectant mother is in so much pain that she only sees her iPhone as an iWeapon to iMurder her iHusband who made her iPregnant, and they better get this iBaby out of my iWomb before I go iPostal!
Her last tweet was, fittingly, "Epidural, yes please."
Hope you enjoyed,
Matt Morrison
P.S. Happy birthday to my brother Jim
P.P.S Here is a running list of "Morning Monologues"
The Morning Monologue: 8-11-09 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is on Twitter! Sarah Palin fights Godzilla. Larry King likes licorice
The Morning Monologue: 8-10-09 - Chelsea gets an unusual proposal from a man in Kenya
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